Slacking Off

I'm depressed but I don't want to acknowledge it. I know that once I do admit it, I'll only get more depressed.

I'm waiting for the results of my exam. I'm not thrilled about it at all. It's hard to imagine that I took the exam more than a week ago. Time does indeed fly fast.

To get my mind off the anxiety of waiting for the results of that dreaded exam, I made myself busy. I joined this three day pesonality/leadership seminar which was very much time consuming.

My cousin had invited me to join the seminar a few months before but I was busy. I've always been busy. Last year went by like flash. I busied myself with studying and reviewing for an exam. An exam, which I must say, only took t four hours. I studied for months for an exam which took just four hours! How incredible does that sound?

I would like to believe that hard work pays off in the end, but we'll never know.

The seminar is rather expensive but I was lucky that my cousin found a way for me to get a discount. I only paid like 1/16th of the price. I bought my other cousin with me who is unrelated to the cousin who invited me. Cousin A, the one who invited me to the seminar is my relative on the maternal side of the family. Cousin B is my paternal cousin.

I had a falling out with Cousin B's younger sister so it never once crossed my mind to invite her sister. I invited Cousin B because she seemed like she was an open enough person. I hope she got something out of the seminar.

I think if I anything, I got a back ache and extrememly chapped lips from the three-day 10 hour seminar. On the first day, I was very much excited to be joining the seminar but on day 2 I got restless. On day 3, I just wanted to get out of there. I tried to get out of there but Cousin A and their leader, stopped me. I had a legitimate excuse. My lips were swelling becaue is was badly chapped. I have forgotten that when exposed to airconditioning for several hours, I get chapped lips. Except of course my chapped lips is the worst chapped lips on the planet. My lips crack and bleed and sometimes swell. Needless to say, I look really terrible when it happens.

The seminar is okay for people who are okay with being entrapped in a room for ten hours. It certainly wasn't okay for me since I experienced claustrophobia for the first time. The staff was certainly very adamant that we finish the seminar and we arrive there on time. They closed the doors on time and we weren't even allowed to go on a bathroom break until the session was over.

I got very anxious when told that we don't get to go outside for a bathroom break. Not until the lecture/activity ends. I pee a lot so I didn't find it very comforting. Once we were allowed to go on a bathroom break, I'd make a mad dash towards the bathroom.

The seminar and the people who run it have good intentions. They're into positive thinking and brotherly love. That's nice except I find it uncomfortable to hug and be hugged by strangers. It certainly felt very awkward when Cousin A's husband hugged me. I just froze when he hugged me. It was one of those 'eww' moments that was just so 'eww.' I mean, imagine that?

Through the seminar, I realized that I was an analyser and a planner. I certainly didn't know that but it's nice that I got something from the seminar. At least, now I know why I think about my relationships with people in my waking hours. It should also explain why I was bored when people started to do some introspection.

I'm an introvert and very much into introspection. That's what I always do. I analyze things. I observe people. I just like to think about my purpose on this planet. That's why I found the seminar boring. The facilitator was forcing us to delve within. Heck, I've been devling within myself for years and years now. If anything, I should be delving out if ever there is such a term.

The seminar got me thinking. I think the reason why the people there liked the seminar was because it gave them time for some introspection. I've always assumed that people always took the time to reasses their life. I was wrong because most people don't make the time to think about their relationships. They don't make the time to think about their lives. They live their lives like worker ants. They walk through life without even questioning their actions. I'm not like that. If anything, I'd like to just stop thinking and for once just do whatever needs to be done.

I just didn't buy into the seminar since I obviously saw a pattern there. The founder of the seminar obviously only had a shallow grasp of psychology. From our modules I could see that the founder of the seminar used a little bit of psychoanalysis and even operant coniditioning. There were slight traces of Buddhist teachings, meditation, visualization, etc.

The seminar basically is just a repackaging of all the hard work of the past great thinkers. There was nothing original about the seminar. That dismayed me a lot. Basically, they were just repackaging the different philosophies and claiming it as their own. I felt as if the people who run the seminar were taking credit for someone else's work which they were doing.

Maybe I should just stop overanalyzing the situation. Maybe it's good that the seminar is empowering a lot of people. Maybe I should just shut my mouth.

Cousin A is so into the seminar. She's thinking of becoming a facilitator. I'm glad that she found her niche. I'm glad that she's happy with what she's stumbled upon. As for me, the journey continues. I'm thinking of reading and learning more about philosophy, psychology and Buddhism. I may never find my niche but that's okay. At least, I'm constantly exploring my world.